My mother is dying

 

Everyone says I am unreasonable

because I have stared at dial tones

lacking in mystery as to who I am and what I want

I have come to feel

guilty for simply wanting to enjoy moments

abnormal for intentionally being naïve

trying to see all of the world

experience all of the sentiment

as if for the very first time

 

I do not truly fit in

looked sideways upon

for having no more interest

in groveling in my humility

after decades of shame

to the one person who gave me life

and is now close to losing hers

 

people assume I am simple

all because

I strive

to live a simple life

 

no one wants to see the dry tears

the hail-filled shitstorm of emotions

that bring about, also, shame;

that disease that keeps all people at bay

lovers artists family

while rebuilding myself as an individual

my individual

 

months weeks or days?

 

i know nothing

when

I feel I have learned so much;

it is difficult to know if

all of the work might have just become habit

void of benefit anymore

a yearning not for something more

but for help

just a call to signal something wrong

 

we are a stubborn people

and I just another stubborn seedling

unable to hear the call

like her

as the sweet angels of her heaven

await to carry her away

like the beautiful hallucination she is

 

 

 

af

 

 

 

 

(written on computer)