You and I, we are not so different

 

I am exhausted trying to defend myself

trying to deflect all of your judgments

makes me angry, defensive, lonely

trying so hard to open up, be honest, be vulnerable

only to be told how perfect you are

and how fucked up I am

 

But, you and I

we are not so different

Bullshit gets collected in this life

more than we know

more than we will usually admit

but one perfect moment in your own life

often lends permission

to ignore

the deeper problem that inhibits love

 

Success is not always a good thing

as it always justifies the means of getting there

 

My negative habits

my defensiveness

is a product of pain, neglect, abuse

from a person created from love

but now just a fleshy structure

of despise and defeat;

women are my enemy as a result

as much as I love them

and want to be loved…

and trust becomes an unbearable burden

 

Clear out all the negative energy you need

walk away every time

journey through life expecting all men to hurt you

keep looking for the perfect one

but you are not perfect

much further from it than you think;

all your contempt is welded together

as an impenetrable shield

because of the pain, neglect, abuse

from the person who created you

 

I slept with ease

after pulling this splinter from my emotions

knowing that you are not as confident

as you let on

knowing that you are

as confused

as hopeful

as scared

as frustrated

as wanting

as tired of protecting yourself as I am

 

So, we met

we sat in our safe caves

keeping one foot always in

as we peeked out at each other

hoping this one, this time

will be different

Then a wrong word was said

and the perfect ideal

was shattered

because

of our prejudices

by those

were supposed to love us

and who abandoned us;

we now have no room for anything real

anything challenging

anything that will peel off our flesh

so our nerves can burn

and eventually rid us

of our insecurities

 

neither of us are able to trust that much

 

But, nerves were stuck that painfully, nonetheless

the habits of our judgments kicked right in

you mocked my sensitivity

I scoffed at your selfishness

you answered, attacking my naïve romanticism

and I pounced on your illogical expectations

 

At this age

it is often better, healthier

we believe

to be safe

than instinctual

it is far easier to control and to protect

 

but our contempt for the opposite sex

is clearly from the same source

 

we could work

we should work

because you and I

really

are not all that different

 

 

 

af

 

 

 

 

(written on computer)