“You sit in the corner of the bar, trying not to get noticed, but I feel all you want is to be noticed.”

“I’m just trying to be myself.”

“Boring and observant?  Hasn’t that been played before?  Aren’t you fifty years behind on that curve?”

“I am just trying to forget.  I have too many memories I’m trying to forget.  And the ones I like, well, the nostalgia of remembering but not having that life anymore is too much for me right now.  I’d prefer to sit alone, drink alone, rather than be judged.”

“You’re pretty straight forward.”

“Sorry if there’s no mystery to me.  I’d really just prefer to be alone.”

“But it doesn’t solve the puzzle of why you still would like to be noticed, even if you would prefer to be alone.”

“I answered that.”

“Because you’re waiting for someone to help you make the past the present?”

“Because it’s nice to get proof sometimes that I actually exist.”

“Little dramatic, no?”

“Whatever your opinion…they are still my words…I’m entitled to arrange them how I like.”

“And a bit angry and defensive as well.”

“Is there a purpose for you to care so much?”

“I suppose you have just touched on what we have in common.”

“Curiosity?”

“Boredom.  I also know what life is about.  I get it as well.  Not really much left to do but push buttons and pass the time at that point…at this point.”

“I wasn’t pushing anyone’s buttons.  I was just sitting here writing.”

“In the corner, staring at me and everyone else.  Not trying to provoke anything by trying to be the recluse.”

“I am just trying to see something.  Trying to steal some energy.  Trying to feel I exist.  Trying to fuck you.  Just let me be, please.  Just let me – ”

” – look, no touch?”

” – exist in my space.”

“What if I told you I feel we should fuck?”

“For what reason?”

“Same as yours, I suppose.”

“To be alone?”

“Sure.  Nothing more lonely for a woman than to be fucked by a selfish drunk who’s alone.  Perhaps I want to know I could have an experience I want, but be alone at the same time as well.  Isn’t that why you chose the most crowded bar in the neighborhood?”

“I just came across it…it looked interesting.”

“I am being completely honest with you.  Why not try the same with me?”

“And I suppose you know what my truth is?  What my honesty is?  Then why waste words?”

“You are someone who knows the answers, knows who you are and you are equally bored and pissed that there is nothing left to discover.  An artist with nothing left to keep you curious.  The evil of evils for people like us.”

“Why do you keep saying us?”

“Humor my indulgences and I’ll do yours.”

“Fuck you?”

“My place is close.”

“I’m not paying you for sex, if that’s what you’re after.”

“Fuck you.”

“Then?”

“Fuck me…and I’ll notice you…I’ll look at you…I’ll reaffirm you exist.  We’ll both still be lonely afterwards.  We just wont be alone, at least for one night.  It’s the best either of us could hope to get at this point.”

“It might be time for you to go back to your friends…
…
but when I leave, if you’re still here, still interested, then…I suppose you could follow me out.”

“We’ll see…”

 

 

af

 

 

(written in little notebook)