I hear you

you know I hear you

but I am not listening to you
this time
again, anymore

I am dressed in my blacks now
I am invisible
I am ignoring, lalalalalala, you cannot find me
not this time

I do not want to be found this time

too much, too too much
you go too far
too too far
and it doesn’t feel good anymore

I begin to believe it

there is some truth
in it
but not all of it is truth
I know this
I know it every time you trick me into believing
again

I am rational
why can’t you be rational as well
meet me halfway

Why do you feel so right and always, always are cruel?

but I know it is not all truth
I know it
I know it
and this time I am not listening
not to you, not anymore, not this time
I know I am not perfect
I know I could try more
try harder
focus a little more
have more respect for myself
be more realistic
accept who I am in the grand design of the world
understand I am only sand
and what really am I able to do
able to accomplish
for the world
for mankind
for the eternal pilgrimage of the craft of Art

I know I am good
and my heart is good
and my intentions are good
and that that should be good enough

right?

…

…

enough

…

…

I am not listening
anymore
I do not hear you

…

music – horns, drums, melodies, landscapes

…

bugs playing on the window outside
wild creatures just as I am

…

free and innocent, just as I am

…

and yes, ok, I do hear the sounds coming from you
but, it’s only going to be white noise from now on

…

for the rest of this night
I do not really care if I am
good
beautiful
smart
strong
motivated
orderly
conformed
enough

…

…

all I need is to change the habit I have made of you

…

that
I
have made
of
YOU

…

and know in that stillness between songs
peace
knowing
I create rather than destroy

and for me to believe in now
that is good enough…

af

(written on computer for a new friend:  “…and that voice will be silenced”)