Today I began believing in God.
Woke up afraid and saw her still wanting.
Mid-February on the Mississippi, hot sun, shorts and t-shirt
and I saw her across the street as the liquid almond and coffee bean
dripped down into my corroded belly, sweet and warm.
As I open my notebook, the white page, pristine, seems
like a playground.
Finally jazzed to speak bohemian beatnik free-verse rubbish again.
She breathed in me and rather than cower,
I remembered my courage,
remembered all that I have accomplished,
all I have been able to learn,
remembered what I have overcome in order to hear this god’s voice again.
I read lust, became washed over with temptation and finally finally laughed.
Insecurity Be Gone!!!
These brick buildings are now so much more than brick,
these hipsters I have always mocked have now become
individual fleshy balls of energy I now accept…
all it all is doing is trying.
I finally strive for new words,
welcome blindness so as to hear better.
Dreams are becoming dreams again.
Perspective becoming optimistic.
Choices are now fun games rather than belaboring tasks.
Purpose is no longer selfish,
I am realizing that it might no longer even be the same purpose
i have always believed in, always thought I needed to believe in.
I am at peace with realizing my rhetorical hypocrisy,
understand that if I am to truly be humble,
then this God will not mock me as my blood before me has,
but hold me closer,
love me more,
and will not leave me,
but be quite the opposite of all I foolishly believe her to be…

the journey, the journey, the journey…
my never-ending, ever-evolving camino.

 
af

(written on computer)

My two hands have been permanently
planted on my back

Two stone monuments
applying constant pressure
forward, forward
redirecting myself with any strength left,

they get me to the edge of a cliff,
unlock my wings
push me off
waiting where I land
in order to continue on
 

af

(written in little notebook)

Truth is, I came here to play,
to listen to the dead, the earth, the pulse, the slow crawl
to create within the energy of the hurricanes and the voodoo.

It is almost time to end this book,
this journey that began months and months ago…
to close this exploratory journey into the depth of my
sadness, grayness, loneliness, heartbreak and confusion.

It is almost time to break open another mystery,
fight harder
question more
love intensely
fuck logic

My life so far got me here
but here is where I have been most of my life;
it is time that here be higher
here be in another dimension
here, another world, another existence
here be god.

Right now I am at the corner of a bar
doubling down on my double jacks
tearing away at these last few pages
being exactly what I need to be right now

…and for at least that, cheers to my city!

af

(written with pen on paper)

Live a dual life
Lead the good
lives
Carry integrity through
both…
no reason you cannot love
and be a shepherd.

This is only one opportunity in the flesh
ration it evenly
gods and monsters
love and lust
properman, caveman

And, Jezebel, i deserve the same?
I desire love?
I have the audacity to love?
and be loved?
in whichever opportunity I choose?
in any life I live?

I have permission to stand proud?
Consequences are different for the soul
than for the spirit?

Well well well…
ain’t that something?

af

(written…well, I don’t really remember)

Open the mind up        SING the declaration

I am crazy and chaos is my Buddha

Step one
Mind Heart Lust
connect the dots, flow energy from
brain down spine to pulse through
gut to penis back up to spine
liquid nirvana
libation free – Asherah’s acid

Dance…Free Yourself
drink my breath, dive into mouth
schrumpf
    Ignore not:  fear – - insanity – -passion

Facts of life
    take the good take the bad

CEASE Thinking
slap…slap…slap…slap

“I will continue to berate if
you
continue taking a razor to this love I have given.”
said the sarcastic holy-all

Voice…whisper…hear ya now, true as
this toothache

Fear is fuel, not a wall
influx air; gunshot

run baby run baby run baby run
this one’s supposed to be fun!

 
af

(written with pen on paper…feeling ‘fantastic’)

frozen in time

everything has stopped

i feel it all inside me

i am not void of it in any way

it’s all just so motionless

frozen in time

black coffee at midnight

strains my eyes open

scraping through my heart

breathing life into it

as I couldn’t in that dream

purple and motionless

ostracized through every door

threw me all off balance

bitter heat, dreading what is about to come

black coffee about to interrupt

the smell is lingering

and I can’t seem to wash it off

confusing doubt with nostalgia

counting the steps as the door is about to open

and it’s all over from here

Load it up…

af

(written five years ago…)

I fear arrogance;
was raised believing I was the best,
rooted in superiority.
I have worked too hard to be humble
while I stand in front of people to
show off the gifts I have;
the capability inside of me.
No one needs to stifle me,
I am fine by myself…
So I smile,
this way I allow myself to be great
ignoring that anyone is watching
avoiding attention: the praise and criticism;
have always been given everything,
regularly placed my trust in people who
should not have had it
so temptations always make me question,
always make me want what I feel
I should have
and
what I have never have.

I do not want to be admired by my lover;
I want to be disciplined, shy and humble.

af

(written with pen on paper)