Today I began believing in God.
Woke up afraid and saw her still wanting.
Mid-February on the Mississippi, hot sun, shorts and t-shirt
and I saw her across the street as the liquid almond and coffee bean
dripped down into my corroded belly, sweet and warm.
As I open my notebook, the white page, pristine, seems
like a playground.
Finally jazzed to speak bohemian beatnik free-verse rubbish again.
She breathed in me and rather than cower,
I remembered my courage,
remembered all that I have accomplished,
all I have been able to learn,
remembered what I have overcome in order to hear this god’s voice again.
I read lust, became washed over with temptation and finally finally laughed.
Insecurity Be Gone!!!
These brick buildings are now so much more than brick,
these hipsters I have always mocked have now become
individual fleshy balls of energy I now accept…
all it all is doing is trying.
I finally strive for new words,
welcome blindness so as to hear better.
Dreams are becoming dreams again.
Perspective becoming optimistic.
Choices are now fun games rather than belaboring tasks.
Purpose is no longer selfish,
I am realizing that it might no longer even be the same purpose
i have always believed in, always thought I needed to believe in.
I am at peace with realizing my rhetorical hypocrisy,
understand that if I am to truly be humble,
then this God will not mock me as my blood before me has,
but hold me closer,
love me more,
and will not leave me,
but be quite the opposite of all I foolishly believe her to be…

the journey, the journey, the journey…
my never-ending, ever-evolving camino.

 

 

 
af

 

 

 

(written on computer)