i am stuck

poems to write

pieces of me asking quietly to roam free

to relax

but i am too busy distracting myself…

a nerve has been touched

and i am completely conflicted

throughout the past few years

i have been successful in reconnecting

with the child still burrowed in me

the one with the secret to all of life

who I was born as but soon left behind

 

i remember the dreams:

 

The beautiful woman

the sickly good feeling of that intense crush

electricity tingling in every capillary

as I suddenly desire to be a better person

a better artist

Me, coming in to sweep her away

confess to her one moment

on which i create an entire life from

 

The dreams

would be a fantasy of valor, honor, character

never involving me

buying a love

having an entourage supporting me

me, alone in the world

and i turn a corner

to see her see me…

my world would stop…

sometimes I would save her

sometimes we would just look at each other…

but it would always end with

love-at-first-sight

 

i know now as a product of age

that it is difficult to stay so near-sighted

even though

those dreams of my childhood never included the future

they were always that one moment only

that allowed

that still allows

me to love at a level

too great for today’s modern world of independence

 

i struggle with my stereotypes…

willed or not

they always seem to fulfill

 

i get criticized for my approach

but i remember watching the movie

seeing that young boy sleep at the steps

of his true love

a lady he gazed eyes upon only once

 

i think about how

that

once upon a time

was romantic

 

Romeo and Juliet

 

about how that is what made its impression

on me

very young

how

just now

i am reconnecting

shutting out society

and listening, remembering

living the life of love i know

just know

down in the soul’s core

of this city boy drifter

to be real

could be real

as long as two people have the courage to make it real

 

i just give

i find the balance

between

selfishness

and

selflessness

because both are necessary

so i give

i want to give

i will continue to give

but i take as well

love

inspiration

and i create endless pages

of romance

of life

of nothing but words

 

which all seems to have lead me here

stuck

because i met a girl

i found my muse

but she got too busy

and i now find myself

questioning my beliefs

holding on to what i knew was

finally

a real moment in this life…

an opportunity at vintage, uninhibited risk

 

i wish i knew what is next…

 

 

 

af

 

 

 

 

(written with pen on paper)