I have stared at the wall for a good part of my life

the proverbial wall

the brick one

the papered one

the invisible one

the obvious one

 

The process goes as follows:

 

a spark, inside

(proverbial, once again),

ignites an idea

one that will change the world

a concept so profound

wars will end

peace will reign

artists will seize control

 

I begin pacing

first in place

then among any swath of land I can find footing on.

The movements become brisk,

the plot more complex,

the concept even more genius than originally conceived

 

Kingdoms begin to fall.

Music begins to saturate every hallow space

like water poured over the dirt.

Strength, power, confidence, assurance

swells, expands, bloats

 

I think this is perfect

then I think this is too perfect

(peak reached)

(descent commence)

 

My pace slows a step as I find

a flaw

then a hiccup

then a challenge

finally, a problem presents itself.

A problem always presents itself

right as I lift my foot for that first step.

I hesitate, I ponder

dip my toes in the fresh mud

another hiccup

another problem.

Foot still in the air, ready to begin;

the other, ankle deep

 

Challenge begets challenge

combines

creates one bigger

too big for my mind to decipher

 

I stop pacing, try to breathe

but I’m being submerged, static and stoically.

I cannot scream, cannot release pressure

nothing works

simplify

all I hear

simplify

I begin to strip

words, inferior ideas, accomplishments

simplify

hope, faith, belief

it all comes off

 

Back tense, knees locked

the nerves in my neck begin to pinch

concentrated heat fires through every capillary

 

And that’s when it happens;

a tiny click amongst the blood-curdling roar of my frustration

a tiny click to bring my consciousness

back to the moment, the idea

the profundity.

I realize, then, that all I have done

besides dream beyond the universes,

is stare at this ever-descriptive wall

and wonder,

now that I have placed my foot back down beside myself,

when my next opportunity will be,

my next spark,

to attempt to take that first step.

 

af

 

(written with pen on paper)