You wanted to be the observer.  Wanted to be outside of society.  Well, how far will you go?  What did you expect it would be?  Would feel like?  Outside is outside, whether at the marmont or in queens.

(I guess I didn’t expect it to be so lonely)

This society will make you feel very alone if you leave it, if you challenge it and if you refuse to conform.

(I am trying to do the right thing)

While fitting in with the wrong people.

(They are the only people I have ever known)

That is why you had a choice.  Still do.  But life still goes on after you make that choice.  Still need to act on it, accept the results of it, make more choices.  It doesn’t end with decision.

(It just seems that it should be easier, that’s all.  That doing the right thing, being a good person should make life easier, better.  What is the point if only the opposite is rewarded?)

Rewards have nothing to do with choice.  There are no prizes for correct choices.

(Then what is the point?)

That, as well, is your choice.  You get to choose what the point is by choosing one path or another, by making it worthy or not.  It is a terrible burden, knowing the truth of what life truly is.  Knowing that it is all effort all the time.  Fortunately, you have a choice in how to look at this effort as well.  Will you enjoy your decisions, find meaning in your choices, or simply look at it all as just work?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

af

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(written in little notebook)