i cannot understand why no one is doing anything

we all know things are wrong

that we are unhealthy

whether in our greed

or our complacency

or our ignorance

or our pride

or our body

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I could be great

great writer

great father

great lover

great humanitarian

great for myself

great for the sake of

I could

I know I could

if only I could just…

if only I could…

if only…

af

(written on computer)

It used to be fun

all of it

before technology made it easy

Now, the stakes are arbitrarily too high

as integrity and passion are no longer at risk;

money has got to be made

perfection is necessary

or else the investors will not be happy.

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I was inspired

on a roll

and now

my experiment is a miscarriage

there must be truth to this lack of logic

something I need to know, need to learn

it all is quicksand

it is a sinkhole

demagnetizing

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My life is a ride now

a skipping stone along the ocean

fucked up, confused, and aching

for love, for pain, for strength

fighting hard to get back to neutral

then running

kick start the shot into the air

and run my motherfucking ass off

until my thighs take over

and fly fly beating wings with angels

smiling and laughing like the madman

i truly am

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Everything is her

Tonight

I find the courage to speak my mind

and as I sit and attempt to write

it is all her

I try to get drunk

to free my mind

numb it

forget and move on

but I with every sip

I want to write poem after poem

about her

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I look for her

keeping my eyes to the street…

maybe she will pass, at random

so

I sit near the window at every restaurant

scanning the lines, searching the tables

maybe this will be the moment we choose alike

all I want

is just one more look into those eyes

one more chance

to hug her smell her touch her hear her giggle see her smile

to feel her heart

I have re-walked every street

we passed through

following the crumbs of our hearts left

in case we became too lost along the way

all I find now is her ghost

a mirage

appearing, everywhere,

just clear enough

then

as I get closer

dissolves into yet another memory

af

(written with pen on paper)