I stare at the bottles
beer after beer after beer
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

I watch people, women, bartenders
in and out all night
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

I daydream most of the day
since I was younger than a boy
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

Transgender on my right, drunk forlorn prostitute
talking to herself on my left
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

It all hurts inside of me
the blood, the cramps and throbbing
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

I claw through my brain
look around, laugh mock seeth
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank

Then I shit, cum, grit teeth
cry all night till I pass out
and yet I do not think
my mind is always blank.

af

(written in little notebook)

Where Ya from?
Claiborne & Orleans
Where Ya from?
Bensonhurst, Bay 48th
Where Ya from?
Skagit, the Mountains, PacNW
Where Ya from?
Here & There
Where Ya from?
Calabria, Agrigento
Where Ya From?
Music, Creation
Where Ya from?
Down the block
Where Ya from?
Next town over
Where ya from?
Venice, the Beach
Where ya from?
Nowhere, really
Where ya from?
Does it really matter anymore?

af

(written in little notebook)

“You sit in the corner of the bar, trying not to get noticed, but I feel all you want is to be noticed.”

“I’m just trying to be myself.”

“Boring and observant?  Hasn’t that been played before?  Aren’t you fifty years behind on that curve?”

“I am just trying to forget.  I have too many memories I’m trying to forget.  And the ones I like, well, the nostalgia of remembering but not having that life anymore is too much for me right now.  I’d prefer to sit alone, drink alone, rather than be judged.”

“You’re pretty straight forward.”

» Read the rest of this entry «

When did it all close down?
When did everything change?
How is it I cannot recognize anything?
Why is it that nostalgia keeps trying to replace reality?
Am I the only one with all these questions?
Does this mean I am not a true writer?
Because I question rather than answer?  assume?  opinionate?
Am I a coward because I dare not to presume I know those answers?
or refuse to be self-absorbed enough to declare my opinion valid?

 
af

(written in little notebook)

you look like one person
act like another
fear as someone completely different

i told you who i was
what i desire, what respect i hold
i told you i am love sex passion art
i told you i am a drifter
a dandelion seed swimming with water
cutting through nations
becoming the ocean, the rain
traveling the world over endlessly;
we said we were crazy
that was the deal we made
to delve inside each other’s body
spirit soul
ride the music, the lust
catch the wave and rip through life together
free to ravage each other trust each other

you agreed as one person
tried as another
and now fail succeed on your own will

af

(written on typewriter)

the world has already fallen apart

we fucked it up…let’s just all come clean about it
Jesus Fucking Christ how ignorant and obtuse we are

Scream out with the songs of history
but stop forgetting the cost of those melodies
YOU…you, right there
You who have smoked with me laughed with me
gone insane with me
now come with me
to the cresent city, down to the bayou
let’s fuck up some fried crawfish hushpuppies under the highway
and dance the night away
and drink the night away
and live every day as our last
and when we wake up the next morning
and get another day
then we strap on the gear for life
and fuck up yet another day together
same as same as over catfish and horns

an institution as this nation long takes time to fall completely
but brick by brick it is collapsing on itself
and if we do not move
on us as well

go with me
come with me
down south
down west
across oceans
who the fuck cares
just fly around with me
skipping across existence

 
af

(written on typewriter)

I forgive you
for all of your trespasses
and for those I forced you to embrace;
within my responsibility, I forgive you

My door is open
I am not afraid to put these words down
while alone with the space wide open
My past is only a habit with memories
emotionally circular

I know that I am matter
stardust
pixydust
my emotions
faerie

People think too big
trying to create one-world
one set of rules, one etiquette and responsibility…
I try to create my own world
common sense rules, fluid void of the judge
music
god
there to exist, giving in order to exist
improving with everything it is given

so I forgive you
so I understand you
glasses are not necessarily rose but a vibrant color nonetheless

as a five year old
walking to school at twelve
abused from every direction at sixteen
left with a bastard at twenty-one
forgotten by forty
paranoid with no memory at seventy,
I say goodnight to you more now
smile then keep walking my pilgrimage
because I forgive you

af

(written on typewriter)