It is almost time to write the letters;
those who I want to share with,
those who I need to talk with,
but most importantly,
the very few I must free my soul from

The anchor of my past still
rots all hope I fight to
have for my life…

There is a reason I am still here;

The omens keep nagging
and the abyss keeps waiting…

af

(written with pen on paper)

I hear always that
“You should love yourself”
that preacher man always preaches
“Rid your soul of ego”
and it fucks up my mind because
How am I supposed to revel in all that I am
    how am I supposed to bask in all that I create
    all the while being humble enough to believe
    ”I am not worthy” ???

Should I believe what the wise say
or go my own way?

How the fuck do I rid my life of black and white
in a world that is all gray?

af

(written with pen on paper, searching)

I’ve fallen into the gulch of
thinking too much, speaking too little
never capturing the profound ideals
my mind creates to share with the world…

That’s when I hear the Buddha in my head
“create for the sake of”
but in a culture of reward
it all feels so pointless, self-absorbed

The miles of words that spew out of this mind
help me to smile, help me to shine
allow me to flirt like I was given some purpose

then those words come again
“your only purpose is to be, to do, to create”

I am tired of being righteous
of being this hamster on the wheel
creating electricity with my efforts but
never knowing why I exist
ingesting too much
knowing too much

the spirit is silent
unable to focus

afraid, afraid, afraid

af

(written with pen on paper)

Tom-Tom, Tom-Tom, High-Hat

Time’s a comin’ for me to start libatin’;

Not talkin’ about polite north-state boozin’

I’m thinkin’ of having Ol’ Grandad take me here tonight
afterall, ya’ll
last night in the Bayou

Nothin’ but memories and wishes for the next few days

Boom Boom Boom

Blat

And I roll on down the avenue
sippin’ any sorrow left
out of this plastic cup

Got a seat

Got a pretty barmaid lady

Believe Dat…

Believe Dat…

af

(written with pen and paper waitin’ for Kermit)

The preacher man sang
Do Not Judge
        Cause Ya Jus’ Don’t Know

He looked out over the shadowed crowd
but I know he saw all them planks in my eyes

Five Things You Ain’t No Way Changin’
    and let ‘em go
        Ain’t nuthin’ you gunna or can do about ‘em
        So tell ‘em
            BE GONE
        and don’t pay ‘em no more mind.

I closed my splintered eyes and tried to hear his voice
my heart started to pump a little harder
and I yelled
“I Know What’s Right With the World…
And It’s All Up To Me!”

And he preached back
AMEN…And it’s all up to Me

and a homeless lady in the middle of all this
monday music night at the club yells
AND IT’S ALL UP TO ME!

And the band played louder while everyone started to exclaim
their own holy righteousness

And then the preacher man sang
An’ Now, Good Can Come To This World!

And it’s all been right since

af

(written with pen and paper after dba’s with gda)

Sippin’ a latte next to ancient headstones,
a cafe in the center of the dead,
those ghosts who keep recurring,
the one and only thing I know is real in this world.

I have lost my belief in people,
no more curiosity about who they are
why they do
they all seem all too predictable now.

I would rather focus on the dead
the past and the future in one snapshot
each one gone but still here to remind me of what is to come
the ceromony of their circumstance
the ornate home, the quiet and stillness, the respect

They are the sacred grind of existence…

af

(written in a graveyard)

If I were to force myself to think positively
I would say that love is within my reach;
That soon I will realize that love
and start building the life I have been preparing for all these years.

I would make the choices I know I need to make
for my health
for my body
and I would believe in the strength of my mind.

If I were to think positively
I would know that people think highly of me
I would smile more, chat more
I would believe what I already know.

And if I were to think positively right now
I would exclaim
every morning, every night, every moment
“I love my life
I love this life
I love life!”
and I would probably think positively as a result.

af

(written with pen on paper…trying)